Responses to Mind Training in Difficult Situations

Many people responded by email with their responses to the questions I posed in Mind Training in Difficult Situations. Excerpts from the responses are posted below in no particular order and with permission of the person writing. 

Gerhard writes:
When the bird and the book disagree, always believe the bird,” I like that quote. In the circumstances you describe, it can apply to all the people involved. Everything is illusion or like writings and illustrations in a book, reputation is just another chapter. The problem is we tend to  "live by the book" and get rather inflexible about it. When I get caught up in the drama, it seems the only way i can cut through the illusions, the fears and anxiety, is to allow compassion to rise and turn my awareness to how generation upon generation of beings have struggled the way I am struggling and how we all suffer for it. If there is a bird, compassion will find it.

Paul writes:
I've had a very similar situation happen to me in my life. There was a point that a number of people in my sangha thought I had done something wrong and no longer treated me as a friend. It was very similar to the scenario you outlined in that, at the time, the sangha was almost my entire life.  When this happened I thought "wow, this is very painful.  Why is it so painful?". It became clear I felt the pain of separation from those that I cared about. I had to take responsibility for these feelings somehow.  I looked and realized that I had based my entire life and support network on the sangha, and that I had no other support in my life. I was somewhat dependent on the sangha. And most relationships were not friendship based, but more mentor/mentee based, so I was wanting something from those relationships that they could not provide. This is what led to the rift in the first place.

I realized had no other support because I was so afraid to go make friends elsewhere. I was afraid of other people and social situations and rejection. My response was to work to mend the relationships in the sangha. But more importantly I threw myself into practising with those feelings, fears, and situations. Meeting new people in highly chaotic environments, meeting many different personalities with vastly different viewpoints, understanding what drives people's behavior. I did this for a couple of years and developed social abilities that I never knew existed. Eventually I even came to understand how I could have upset people in the sangha with my behaviour. And because of the changes within myself, I knew I would never do that again because those actions were based on the dependency I had had with the sangha. My life has become infinitely better as a result of that practice.

Kathleen writes:
Ken - This was just posted today and was a great response to this email.

When facing any demanding situation, it is important to stay cool! Here are three ways to calmly deal with occasional life hiccups, beginning with keeping calm yourself.
1. Breathe
It can be difficult to address any problem, minor or major, unless you are feeling relaxed (or at least, a little less tense). Before diving into pressing situations, give yourself a few moments to breathe and re-center. Remember– “Man cannot conquer, before conquering the self.”
2. Adopt Optimism
Most of us look at personal problems or upcoming professional challenges and ask – what’s the worst possible outcome, and how can I avoid that? Simply try changing your vocabulary, and look at each new situation like this – what’s the best possible outcome, and how can I make that happen? You may not be able to change the circumstances, but you can always change your attitude.
3. Use Logic
Now that you’re calm and you’ve eliminated (or taken the edge off) negative thinking, you can begin addressing this particular challenge. Break down the problem, step by step, using paper and pen if you have to. Once your difficulties appear in black and white, you can begin to formulate specific steps to address your immediate needs and long-term goals for solution.
After all is said and done, what is a problem? It is the chance to grow stronger and improve ourselves through challenge.
- See more at: http://www.mindfueldaily.com/livewell/3-ways-to-bring-calm-during-a-difficult-time#sthash.A4AuamHP.dpuf

Pat writes:
What to do about what other people think about me is a problem contained wholly within my mind. What others think is completely beyond my control, as your example shows. Even when I am completely innocent of any wrongdoing, others are free to think and believe anything they wish based on their conditioning...

One of the phrases in the “37 Practices of a Bodhisattva” is “May I experience the world knowing me just as I am.” The practice of training with these verses allows equanimity, loving kindness, compassion, and joy to arise spontaneously in my heart, along with a deep knowing that this is the nature of everything.

I can’t imagine a better resting place when falsely accused of anything.

(The line Pat refers to here, “May I experience the world knowing me just as I am.” can be found in some verses I wrote for the practice of the four immeasurables.)

Miheala writes:
The way others think, speak, act, etc. is their Karma. The way I feel, think, respond when I am engaged in a situation is my Karma. I view the mind as a field, in which every thought, feeling, act leaves a seed. So when faced with adversity, like you described, my aspiration is to act, feel or speak in such a way, that I would leave the most wholesome seeds in my mind-field and in the mind-fields of others.

Louise writes:

The enterprise of developing and maintaining a reputation resonates with the Titan Realm in which we always fail in our efforts to become gods.  Mind training subverts this delusion by reminding us to drive all blames into one, the recognition that what creates our own defending is our sense of self.

Dave writes:

The taking in of pain/slander and sending out of love and compassion frees us of the need to defend ourselves and the need to respond/react in a vengeful manner. Sitting with the emotion of slander when we have done nothing wrong enables us to experience the physical manifestations of hurt and anxiety and the dissipation of those manifestations during each practice and over time we free ourselves.  It enables us to let go of reactive patterns that will not help the situation.  It is hard work and takes a lot of time and is a step on the path to understanding that experience and awareness are the same. 

A different Pat writes:

In this situation mind training might help me feel the experience without believing any of the defensive/angry reactive thoughts.  Thus I would hurt less than otherwise...

This doesn't sit well with me in practice because I am addicted to acceptance….mostly.  Hence the experience would be crushing to me.

Flo writes:

Taking in the pain and giving away what I would like to hold onto serves several aspects. Allowing me to feel the pain deeply, letting the pain take me over and being the pain allows me to own my projections. Thus I don´t have the need to act in ways to better the situation, to make the pain go away. There is pain, I feel it. That´s O.K. That allows me to see the situation less distorted and clearer. It allows me to come back to the present.

For me, trying to restore my reputation would be clinging to what is no more and the only thing I can do is to open to the situation as it is now and to do what I feel as appropriate in the current situation.

I also feel considerably softened and humbled by the pain.

Nancy writes:

This resonates with me. In my profession( I am a veterinarian) I have learned to be as unattached as possible, to what others think of me. I do my best, and I cannot control what others think of me.  Mind training helps separate out your sense of self from who you really are. You see they are 2 things. It feels lonely. It makes social situations, for me, an adventure into the unknown.

Dona writes:

I had a similar experience this year to the “poker example” you offer. I could not get the selected others to hear my view point; they were committed to their view of me, and that view was not a pleasing one. It was a very painful time. I came to face a sober reality. I had spent my life trying to present and perfect an image of me in the other’s mind.  I had failed miserably.

        Because of this experience, I came to see that my own experience of my life was what truly mattered . I began to be in a ruthless relationship with myself: cutting through beliefs, patterns of clinging, avoiding and ignoring. Moment by moment more or less, I paid attention to my mind, my behavior, my conduct, my experience. I began to feel compassion, respect and acceptance of myself, and from that arose compassion, respect and consideration for the other.

Sharon writes:

What does doing mind training accomplish for me, for the social situation?  The practice is a ready reminder of where I am in my own attachments - how much do I have invested in being respected, approved of, liked, etc?

Gregg writes:

I find that taking and sending tells me how I'd wish to be, if I found myself in that situation. The subject loses his way at the moment he "starts to protest." Taking and sending might, if sufficiently embodied, enable one to avoid being triggered. The requirement is steep -- after having been in a mindset of winning, and then being unfairly accused, and so wanting to win in another way -- "winning" has to be immediately and gracefully replaced with taking/sending. 

Mind Training in Difficult Situations

Imagine that you are an avid poker player. You hang out with a circle of people who enjoy playing poker, a circle that extends not only through your home town but to other towns within easy driving distance. One night you are playing with a group of friends and the dealer drops the cards. Everyone helps pick them up and the dealer deals the next hand. You end up with really good cards. The betting begins, and it's quite exciting. The stakes rise. It's by far the biggest pot of the night, but you are confident in your cards. When the dust settles, you are the winner. Big winnings! And then someone at the table says, "You cheated. When the cards were dropped, you picked up a couple of good cards and that's why you had such a good hand."

The silence around the table is deafening. You start to protest, but before you can do so, another person says, "Let's check the deck." The deck is found to be two cards short, and then two cards are found on floor near your chair.

Nobody says anything. They just look at you and quietly leave. You know you didn't cheat, but what can you do?

The next day, your Twitter account and Facebook page are filled with postings about the card game and what happened. Your friends won't speak with you and your colleagues keep their distance. Your relationship with your circle of friends has changed dramatically. Yet moving away isn't an option for you.

What does mahayana mind training have to say about this situation?

In Mind Training in Seven Points, it says, "Make adversity the path of awakening" and "Don't make practice a sham."

In Mind Training in Eight Verses:

When scorn and insult become my lot,
Expressions of some jealousy,
I alone accept defeat
And award the other victory.

In The 37 Practices of a Bodhisattva:

Even if someone broadcasts to the whole universe
Slanderous and ugly rumors about you,
In return, with an open and caring heart,
Praise his or her abilities -- this is the practice of a bodhisattva.

In all these instructions, you are encouraged to work with taking and sending, taking in the pain of being falsely accused from others and sending your own good fortune, happiness and well being to them.

Obviously, the practice of taking and sending is not going to help restore your reputation among the poker players or how your friends and colleagues see you. There may be a way to change all that, but that is not the purpose of taking and sending practice.

Reputations and how you are regarded by others are strange beasts. You don't own your reputation. Most people think they do, but the reality is different. Your reputation is the accumulation of what other people think about what they think you have done or said. In other words, your reputation consists of other people's projections. You don't own that and you don't control it. You can influence it, but only up to a point. We see this clearly in the lives of politicians.

The questions I would like you to consider are:

What is the purpose of the practice of mind training in such situations? It doesn't help directly with the situation of your relationship with your friends and colleagues. What does it do? What does it do for your social relationships? How does that sit with you?

How to develop capacity in meditation

Meditation practice is largely about building capacity in attention, but what is capacity?

• Is it how long you can rest in attention?
• Is it how strong, or deep, or clear your attention is?
• Is it well you can be in attention in different situations?
• Is it how quickly you can bounce back from a problem or disturbance?

And the correct answer is? All of the above. Staying power, depth, versatility and resilience, these are the four dimension of capacity.

Staying Power, stamina

The first is stability, or staying power. You develop this dimension by resting in attention. In the context of meditation on the breath, you rest in the experience of breathing. Whenever you recognize that you've been distracted, you come back to the breath and rest. Many people try to develop stability by holding their attention on the breath. This works in the short term, but creates problems in the long term because it always involves a certain about of suppression, of body sensations, emotional material, etc. It's better to rest and let stuff bubble up and resolve itself, than try to hold attention steady. Return and rest. Return and rest.

Depth, clarity

The second is clarity or depth. You develop this dimension by sharpening your attention. As you rest, bring energy into your attention. When you do, everything your experience becomes clearer and more vivid. Some people bring more attention by focusing the attention on a particular sensation or other object of attention, concentrating the attention in a way. Again, this works in the short term. Over time, however, the narrowing of attention can also result in suppression. You can use focusing to learn how to being energy into attention, to generate that clarity and vividness, but it's better then to let that clarity and vividness soak into every cell of your body. In other words, combine it with resting. 

Versatility, flexibility

Once you have experienced stable and clear attention, you can start to develop versatility. If you are used to practicing inside, practice outside. Even on a still day, you experience subtle breezes on your face and it's a new sensation. Practice attention as you look over a field. Practice looking at a garden. Practice looking at buildings, at a street scene. Practice with noise. Start with the sounds of nature, the rustle of the wind in the trees, the bubbling melody of a small creek, the chirping of birds or crickets. Practice with the sounds of machines and of people. Learn how to rest in clear stable attention in different settings. Then practice while you are walking. At first, practice attention while you move and do things slowly. Then practice while you do the same things quickly. Practice until you can drop into attention at will wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

Resilience, recovery

To develop resilience, make a point of alternating, pushing hard and then easing off. Bring as much energy as you can into your attention and then rest in the vivid clarity. Do this for just a few moments, 10-15 seconds. Then do it again. And again. At some point, you will run out of juice, that is, you won't be able to generate the clarity. Then just rest, or go and do something else. Learn also to recognize the rhythms of practice, work deeply when conditions are right, and take a break when you feel dull, brittle, or tired. You develop resilience by making a strong effort and then taking a break before the effort creates imbalance. 

Balance is crucial here. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. If you just develop staying power, you are likely to fall into trance states. If you just develop depth or clarity, it's like trying to read a book by flashes of lightening. If you try to develop versatility and resilience before you have developed stability and clarity, your attention will be weak and unstable.

When you have all four dimensions, many problems just disappear. Teachings and practices that you struggled to understand are now straightforward and clear. You understand them now because you have the capacity to do them.

five pointers out of thin air

Avoiding
Whatever you avoid, somebody or something else has to pick up. Emotions are energy in motion. If you don't experience them, then the energy either goes into your body and is stored there or it goes out into the world. Why would you make others experience what you, yourself, are avoiding?

Stagnation
When energy is blocked or can't move, it stagnates. In your body, the restricted energy goes into adjacent muscles and organs and causes illness. In your personality, restricted energy flows into the patterns that you are least aware of and they run. In groups, restricted energy flows into the people whose attention is weakest and they are flooded. 
When energy stagnates, change the configuration or pay the consequences. 

Momentum
Consistent practice builds momentum. Momentum doesn't just go away. It has to go somewhere. When attention is not present, the energy in the momentum flows into old patterns and powers them. The more you practice, the longer you practice, the more important attention becomes.
There are no vacations.

Rhythm
Respect the rhythms of practice. When you are tense and on edge in your practice, just rest. When you are relaxed and open, push deep. 
Glass doesn't bend; it breaks. Water doesn't move until you open a channel.

Old ways
Once you see through a pattern, once you see what you've been doing, you can't go back. Ignorance may have been bliss, but you aren't there anymore. 

a short reading list

When you study, study everything under the sun.
When you reflect, keep an open mind. 
When you practice, do one practice and go deep.

— Jamgön Kongtrül, 1813-1899

When it comes to practice, advice is ageless. We struggle with the same challenges that practitioners struggled with a thousand or two thousand years ago. Thus, we can read books from any age or any culture and we will find helpful advice.
What to read?
With the plethora of books on Buddhism now available, where do you start? When it comes to practice, it pays to keep things simple and rely on ageless advice. You don't need to read many books, but you do need to learn the ones you do read. Here is a basic reading list that will serve you well. If you really learn these, you will be in very good shape.
All these books are on Unfettered Mind's recommended reading blog. If you purchase them through the blog (it connects directly to Amazon), you will help Unfettered Mind in the process.

Basic Practice

• Breath by Breath (Larry Rosenberg's very readable commentary on the Anapanasanti Sutra)
• Mindfulness in Plain English (Gunaratana's excellent instructions in basic mindfulness, basically drawing from the Satipatthana Sutra)
• Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind (Suzuki Roshi)
• How to Cook Your Life (Dogen and Uchiyama, best description I know of how to live in awareness)

Tibetan Mahayana

• ONE lamrim text, e.g., Jewel Ornament of Liberation, Words of my Perfect Teacher, Treasury of Precious Qualities, The Three Levels of Spiritual Perception, etc.
  (strongly recommend listening to the TAN series of podcasts as you read)
• The Way of the Bodhisattva (a solid translation of Shantideva's Bodhicaryavatara)
• Wake Up to Your Life (a reference manual for meditation practices, Ken McLeod)
• The Great Path of Awakening (THE basic manual for mind training, Kongtrul, trans. Ken McLeod)
  

Vajryana

• The Torch of Certainty (Kongtrul's commentary on ngöndro, trans. July Hanson)
• Creation and Completion (Kongtrul's summary of vajrayana practice, trans. Sarah Harding)

Mahamudra 

• Clarifying the Natural State (excellent practice book for mahamudra, Tashi Namgyal, trans. Erik Kunsang)
• Heart Lamp (two excellent short books on  mahamudra, Tselek Rangdrol, trans. Erik Kunsang)
  

Two important sutras

• The Diamond Sutra (Red Pine)
• The Heart Sutra (Red Pine)

This may seem like a lot. Except for the lamrim text, Shantideva, and Wake Up to Your Life, the books are not long. All of them, however, are dense and potent. Thus, read them carefully, study them with friends or fellow practitioners, and take them to heart.

happiness and completion

At the end of the last retreat, a student asked, "Why don't you talk much about happiness, as most Tibetan teachers do?"

Why, indeed? Doesn't everyone, in the end, seek happiness?

Perhaps. Perhaps it depends on what happiness means to you.

Happiness, I think, is usually associated with a feeling of pleasure and the absence of pain. As such, I think it is both frivolous and unrealistic: frivolous because pleasure is a transient state, subject to change, and dependent on many conditions, internal and external, and unrealistic because life is unpredictable and pain can arise at anytime. 

The spate of books on happiness are particularly troubling as they lead people to believe that this is a viable objective in life, and, worse, that one should be happy. Big pharma is no doubt delighted with this trend as they can now happily present themselves as fulfilling a cultural need by peddling drugs for SAD (social anxiety disorder), grief (see this article), and related conditions which are increasingly being regarded as medical and mental pathologies instead of part of the ups and downs of the human condition. 

Indeed, the quest for happiness is, in another way, the continuation of the traditional view of religion and spiritual practice, namely, a way of transcending the human condition. Valhalla, paradise, heaven, nirvana all hold out the promise of eternal life, bliss, purity, and union, four basic spiritual longings that are at the heart of all our suffering and struggle.

As Don Cupitt notes in his book The Great Questions of Life, we are at the beginning (possibly in the middle, but definitely not at the end) of a global shift in the concept of religion, a shift away from the view of religion as a way of transcending the human condition  and toward a view that religion is about embracing the human condition. He opens this talk with a description of how the use of the language of life has, over the past century, largely replaced the language of religion.

Thus, for me, spiritual practice is now not so much about happiness as about completion, a way of experiencing life that is as complete as possible in each and every moment. 

This approach to spiritual practice was not what I initially sought. Like most people, I sought some kind of transcendence, if not in God, then in various god surrogates such as mahamudra, pristine awareness, or dzogchen, though, somewhat ironically, dzogchen means "great completion". 

My experience in retreat training was not one of transcendence, but one of descent, a descent into prolonged physical and emotional challenges that left me no option but to experience exactly what was arising. Taking and sending (mahayana mind training) was often the only form of practice I could do, and it worked, not in the sense of easing the pain or finding some transcendent state, but in providing me with a way to be in my experience, not blocking it, nor being consumed by it.

One principle that I learned then, though one I've had to learn and relearn it again and again, is that when we see and accept what is actually happening, even if it is very difficult or painful, mind and body relax, and in that rest, there is an exquisite quality that comes through just experiencing what arises, completely, with no separation. 

Some might call it joy, but it is not a giddy or excited joy. Rather it is a deep and quiet joy, a joy that, in some sense is always there, waiting for us, but usually touched only when some challenge, pain, or tragedy leaves us with no other option.

Others might call it truth, but this is a loaded and misleading word, carrying with it the notion of something that exists apart from experience itself. The notion of truth also sets up an opposition, with what is held to be false, and such duality necessarily leads to hierarchy, authority, and institutional thinking and its associated forms of mind killing.

Again, in the three-year retreat, one of the daily prayers contained the line "Though beings want to be happy, they just create suffering." At first, it seemed to me that these lines referred to a lack of skill, that is, if beings understood and applied the principles of karma, then they would not suffer as much. Better, if they experienced the "true nature of things", then they wouldn't suffer at all. But as time passed and I went through my own struggles, I came to understand these lines in a different way: the desire for happiness itself is a form of suffering as it leads to a struggle with experience, e.g., in the context of relationships, the desire for continual happiness undermines emotional connection.

Thus, for me, the purpose of practice is now to be with whatever arises in this experience we call "life", nothing more, and nothing less. Everything we do in practice is aimed at the development of the willingness, skills, and capacities needed to experience life this way. 

What are you looking for in a teacher?

Teacher, guru, or spiritual friend, what are you looking for? The spiritual path has many challenges. There are many things we need to learn or develop. A short list would probably include motivation, skills in meditation and prayer, contemplation, etc. Like music and painting, most of us learn spiritual practice better with someone, rather, than, for instance, by reading a book. When we interact with an actual person, we have to give expression to what we have learned. It becomes alive in us in a way that book learning often does not.

In Buddhism we usually think of a teacher. In Catholicism, the comparable term might be spiritual guide. Whatever term we use, this person has a crucial role in our spiritual growth. Role? Actually, it would be more accurate to say "roles". I came up with a list of nine, probably not exhaustive or comprehensive, but perhaps a good starting point. Here are brief descriptions, in no particular order.

Teacher

A teacher is a person who imparts to you a given body of knowledge, skill or capability. In the spiritual context, this might mean the underlying philosophy, moral principles, and meditation methods. A teacher has to have experience and knowledge to impart and, as a student, your responsibility is to learn from the teacher. The teacher may touch into coach or therapist roles, but only to a limited extent. Change in you comes through your efforts to learn what the teacher is teaching and to put it into practice.

Guru

A guru is a special teacher, a person whom you see as an expression of what it means to be awake and present and who also has the ability to elicit such experiences of awakening in you (i.e., transmission). In addition, he or she may provide instruction in methods of practice and guidance in both life and practice. Such a teacher may place significant demands on you to help you work through conceptual, emotional or spiritual blocks that prevent you from deeper levels of experience. Change in you comes through your confidence (or devotion) to your guru. This allows a deep emotional relationship to form which becomes the means by which you open to deeper levels of experience.

Priest

A priest is a person who, by virtue of his or her training, symbolizes a relationship with the spiritual, or, if you wish, the divine. Interaction with a priest is frequently highly ritualized, the ritual setting and roles providing an environment in which the patterns and prejudices of daily life are set aside and the priest can function for you as a representative of what you aspire to spiritually or religiously. Change comes through your trust in the ritual forms and using them to access what is in your heart.

Therapist

While there are many different approaches to therapy, the aim in therapy is to heal. Thus, a therapist helps you to heal from emotional or psychological wounds that you may have incurred in the course of your life. The therapist provides a healing environment, a place where old hurts can be touched, without your being re-wounded. Change comes through the power of the emotional connection you experience with the therapist. He or she supports you, through presence, attention, and caring, in revisiting old hurts so they can heal.

Coach

A coach is person who helps you change the way you behave, with the aim of making the way you do things more productive, more satisfying, less problematic, etc. A coach may well overlap with a teacher (teaching specific skills) and with a therapist (addressing to some extent the emotional issues that prevent you from changing your behavior). Change comes from your being willing to experiment with the different behaviors that your coach suggests and to see what works and doesn't work for you.

Consultant

A consultant is a person who helps you solve a problem by bringing greater depth and breadth of attention, experience and/or knowledge to the problem at hand. The challenge for the consultant is to avoid being relegated to an ineffectual role (the hand-holder) or being held responsible for the problem if it can't be resolved (the scapegoat). Frequently, the consultant seeks to move to the teacher role in order to help his or her client see the problem (and hence the possible solutions) differently. Change comes from your working with a consultant as a partner, combining his or her knowledge and experience about similar problems with your knowledge of the particulars of your problem.

Mentor

A mentor is a person who has considerable experience, knowledge, and wisdom which he or she makes available to you. Where you learn specific areas of knowledge from a teacher, you learn how to implement that knowledge, how to live it, from a mentor. A mentor may also guide you in your path, in your career, for instance, but more generally, in the area of experience of the mentor. Change in you comes from your listening carefully to your mentor's experience and from the mentor creating opportunities for you to grow and develop.

Preacher

A preacher is a person who moves you emotionally, evoking such emotions as love, fear, awe, or joy through his or her words and presentation. A preacher typically works with groups, often large groups, speaking to them in such a way that they are moved emotionally, inspiring them to go beyond what they ordinarily think themselves capable of. Change comes about either through faith (opening to new possibilities) or belief (solidifying one's convictions) in the preacher or what he or she is saying.

Guide
A guide is a person who knows the territory, is able to find a path, and protects you, as much as possible, from danger on the path. A guide is a good person to be with when you are going into to territory that is unknown or unfamiliar to you. Think of a river guide, or a mountain guide. Change comes from following your guide's directions, not striking out on your own, but absorbing and learning from your guide until you know the territory and its challenges and can be guide yourself.


Now, what are you looking for in a teacher?